Sunday morning while eating breakfast on the porch our neighbor, Deda (grandpa) Dula, walked over to the part of his yard closest to us and greeted us again as he had done a couple days earlier. He again asked if we might want to come over for coffee. We said yes, but we could not go that day and we suggested Monday. He said any time is good.
Before breakfast we put in a load of wash in the small washer in the crowded bathroom. After breakfast we walked through the spa grounds into town to buy a bottle of wine at the little market to give to cousin Rada’s husband. We know nothing about Balkan wines and took our luck on one of the most expensive bottles ($8), this one from Moldova.
When we returned we hung our laundry in the back courtyard. Our hosts noticed us and came down with a plate of sweets made by the mother of the house. 2 pieces of baklava and 2 pieces of ‘Ice cube’ cake. Both were delicious.
We loaded up a big bag with gifts to take to Rada and her husband, Ružica and Lazo and their three kids, and Ružica’s brother, wife and their two kids. I spent waaayyy too much time this summer shopping for them and about 20+ other people we will likely be seeing. We brought an extra suitcase solely for the purpose of transporting all the gifts.
We drove ten minutes to get to the small compact city of Loznica where all the family live. Ružica and family live in a house on a small plot of land with Lazo’s elderly parents. Rada and her husband live in the small one bedroom ground floor apartment in town where Ružica and her brother grew up.
We greeted Rada with the traditional 3 kisses on the cheeks, then sat in the small livingroom where we were served the traditional preserved fruit in a crystal bowl, plums this time.
We drank Serbian (Turkish) coffee as Rada and I looked at family photos. She speaks no English. We also had a nice chat with Ružica’s son, Djordje, who has one more year of high school then will attend university in Novi Sad to study surveying engineering. He has mixed feelings about leaving his familiar environment and living alone in an apartment, but knows he will adjust.
Once the meats were done being grilled in the courtyard we moved to the small dining room, and as always, Rada and Ružica stood and served everyone and ate later. We toasted with rakija then ate the traditional chicken broth soup and bread. Rada remembered that we like spicy food and gave me a hot pepper to eat with the soup. They cleared the table and brought out a large platter of grilled meats- chicken, čevapi and some long skinny bratwurst, and also a big plate of fresh tomato’s and cucumbers, and a bowl of chopped onions. After that Ružica served ‘lazy woman cake’ which was creamy and filled with raspberries.
During lunch we chatted about this and that although Rada mostly listened. She is always most interested in hearing about various family members. She is relatively healthy but her husband has mild dementia but still functions pretty well.
When the table had been cleared Lazo brought in a bag of gifts for us, for Cedar, and for our cousin, Vlado in Dayton, who Rada stays in touch with. Lazo gave us a big 2 liter bottle filled with his family’s plum rakija, and a smaller but still large bottle to give to Cedar. We also received a novel by a Serb author, some potholders, incense and holder for blessing the house.
We then gave each family member various gifts as well as gifts for Ružica’s brother’s family who couldn’t come this time. They were in Belgrade at the big soccer match, and to set their daughter up in an apartment. She is starting university there in Dentistry, a 6 year program. In addition we gave each of the grandkids money from Vlado, something he likes to offer each time we visit. He has never met them in person himself and is too old to travel now.
We took group photos and said our goodbyes. As always Rada and I looked in each other’s eyes and connected without words. Both of us were teary. We never know if we will meet again.
WEDDING:
Jim and I drove back to our place and freshened up for Lazo’s cousin’s daughter’s wedding which Lazo and Ružica had invited us to. These days I’m generally not enthused about going out in the evening but we had never been to a Serbian wedding before and thought we should not pass up the opportunity. I was a bit concerned about our clothing options. Neither of us had anything fancy to wear but Ružica said not to worry. I did have a skirt but the only shoe options were flip flops or my bright pink ‘trainers’ as they call them here. Ruzica said to wear the trainers. At least they matched the pink in my skirt! Later, once at the wedding, we felt fine about our clothes. For one thing there were probably 500 people there so we were quite unnoticed. And even though probably 80 percent of guests were dressed up (some extravagantly), there were others who wore casual clothes.
Lazo and Ružica picked us up. Since the kids weren’t going there was room in their car. I was grateful Jim did not have to drive 50 minutes on the very dark, narrow wending mountain road at night.
Apparently many couples have a small religious wedding in a church then have a secular legal wedding where often 100s of people are invited. This latter type of event is what we attended. We arrived on the outskirts of Krupanj at a large nondescript newer building whose sole purpose if for weddings and big parties (here it is common for parents to throw huge parties for their kids on their 18th birthday). The gravel parking lot was nearly full. Right in front of the building were a dozen or so cars decorated with flowers and Serbian flags and other items. They still do wedding parades here (such as used to be common in the U.S.) where a couple dozen cars drive down the street honking, cheering and waving. We have witnessed this a number of times is our travels. In Montenegro they also shoot guns off up into the air.
Ruźica instructed us in advance about what to say to ‘the people we kiss’. When we entered the building Ružica kissed 2 men and Jim spoke the appropriate greeting and shook hands. I was in a daze and had already forgotten what to say.
There was a table in the entry hall with a big box where people were to deposit their monetary gifts. In addition many people brought what appeared to be wine. We were unprepared and had no gift nor cash to give but nobody noticed.
We entered the huge meeting hall filled with dozens of large tables and people at every one of them and were ushered to a table already laden with a platter of meat, a big bowl of salad, baskets of bread, and assorted bottles of pop, juice, water, beer and little pitchers of rakija. A half dozen people, mostly Lazo’s cousins, were seated at the table and had already eaten and were happily smoking, drinking and singing along to the music which was five times louder than it needed to be. There was a speaker literally right next to our table (one of many in the great hall). Throughout the night Lazo kept gesturing for his cousin to turn the speaker away from the table, which he did, but then when one of his favorite songs was playing he would turn it directly toward us again. The music was so loud that even if we put our mouths next to someone’s ear to say something we could not hear what was being said. So we texted instead. Jim and I put bits of napkin in our ears to try to give at least a little protection from the loud noise.
The band, set up in the corner not far from us, was extremely tight and talented and full of stamina. There were 2 keyboard players, a drummer, an electric violinist, 2 accordion players and three singers who took turns singing in various combination. The violinist, singers and accordionists often moved around the room playing where people were dancing. Aside from the period when the State official was reading the wedding documents to the couple on a balcony at one side of the room (and asked if they agreed and they loudly each said Yes!), the band never stopped playing. They rolled from one song into the next literally for hours. We learned from Lazo that these types of bands can make excellent money playing at wedding and birthday parties- between $3000-$20,000 a night. Very good money for this country where even medical professionals make $1000-$1500 a month.
The accordion-centric band played popular Serbian songs, no western pop. Most people seemed to know the words to most of the songs and many sang along. The bride and groom and their young friends mostly congregated at one end of the hall, bouncing and dancing and singing and drinking together. Shortly before we left the band finally played music for the traditional kolo dance and scores of people of all ages joined hands and snaked throughout the room for probably 15 minutes.
Back to our table… immediately after arriving a server (all were men) asked what we wanted to drink and promptly brought us Serbian coffee, poured us rakija, and brought more water and bubble water to the table. Soon after that he brought a big bowl of the traditional clear broth chicken soup, then a fresh platter of meats even though there was another platter already there that the guests who arrived earlier and eaten from. Next came a platter of sarma (stuffed cabbage leaves) and some sort of meat concoction I had never tasted but liked very much. Throughout the evening the server was continually pouring us more water any time he saw our glasses get low. The food was all excellent. We later learned all the meat was provided by one of Lazo’s cousins who raises animals. I kept wondering what would happen to all the uneaten meat left on the platters. I assume and hope various friends and family would take it home but I don’t know that. Although people smoked freely the room was huge and ventilation excellent so I didn’t notice the smoke at all even though there was a guy smoking at our table.
In contrast to most American weddings where guests respond to invitations listing the number who will attend so the wedding couple knows how many servings of food to order, here there is no accounting. People came and went throughout the evening and food was served throughout the event as people arrived. And there was no cash bar. Rakija and beer flowed freely. This is in keeping with this culture that highly values hospitality and generosity above all else.
When my dad was young he and his friends used to go to Serbian weddings in his part of town, even if not invited, because of the free food and entertainment. Back then it was a custom for guests to pin money on the bride’s dress. Ružica said that is not done here.
After the signing of the official documents when the music resumed the bride and groom took their post near our table where a professional photographer took photos of the couple with guests who lined up and waited for their turn to be photographed with the couple. Because hundreds of people wanted their photos taken this process took a very long time. The beautiful bride in her white sequined dress with big boofy skirt, and handsome groom smiled easily throughout the process. Lazo and Ružica did not get their picture taken. They seemed to be in attendance out of support and obligation, not because they enjoy such events. Their own wedding was very small and simple and quiet.
Throughout the evening various people stopped by our (and every) table and toasted each person. I don’t know who these various people were aside from the bride, groom and their parents.
Since Lazo had to get up early the next morning for work we left before 9:30, before cake was cut and served. We had good conversation on the way home. They explained what the button a cousin was wearing meant. It said, ne damo jadar, meaning, we don’t give a damn. This is in reference to the awful British-Australian mining conglomerate, Rio Tinto, that is intent on mining lithium in a pristine area near Loznica to provide lithium for the EU. The Serb people have again and again voted and protested against this because such a mine would destroy the precious land and water with long term impact. But the corrupt Serbian government and Rio Tinto continue to make their way towards implementing the plan. This situation is repeated all around Serbia and the Balkans. Foreign companies come in, often bringing their own workers, extract minerals, totally ravaged the landscape, and leave without remediating the damage. The local people reap no benefits, only loss. I find it heart breaking and maddening.
We enjoyed a nice chat on the drive back to our place. They spoke more about Rio Tinto and Vučić’s corrupt government. We talked more about Serbian weddings and birthday celebrations. Only Katarina, the youngest, wants a big party when she turns 18. Djordje and Nevena have no interest. We told them again what a good job they are doing raising their three kids. They raised their eyebrows and said sometimes they aren’t so sure. While the kids are polite and patient and engaging with us, at home they often don’t do what they are told. Lazo is more strict than Ružica. Lazo said he believes in the old values of the man providing for his family and being firm with the kids when necessary. Ružica did not disagree.
When they dropped us off near our place we parted warmly, expressing wishes to see each other again. I had told Ružica earlier that if we do not decide to travel here again that we would like to contribute money so they, or some of them, could visit us in Seattle. She actually sounded open to that.
I am deeply grateful to Lud for connecting me with Ružica and her family 12 years ago, and touched and happy that they all have welcomed us as family despite our distant connection. When we come to this now familiar part of Serbia (8 times) we feel almost at home, at least somewhat. We wish them all only the best.
below: Rada and Ružica and family. Next: Nevena, Katarina and Djordje. Next: Lazo.
a few wedding pix. You can see bride and groom getting picture taken with guests, band in the distance, a little segment of the kolo dancers.
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